Weasley's Wizard Wheezes
by Gibsos
Summary: The collective works of the Weasley twins pranks while at Hogwarts. Cannon. *Up for adoption*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N----**I went to Edmonton for a week and mass updated so I forgot to put this before, but this chapter was co-written by the wonderfully talented **GraphicxVandalism**

* * *

Three of the six Weasley brothers had already started Hogwarts.

Ron, the youngest, hadn't gone yet and kept bugging Charlie and Bill for stories about Hogwarts over summer vacation, the other brother who went to Hogwarts already was Percy, but if asked for a story, he was most likely to go on in a rant about people he had caught breaking the rules, including the prefect who had hexed him out of irritation. Mind you, that one would have been funny, if Percy hadn't been the one telling it.

Now it was Fred and Georges' turn. And Hogwarts would have hell to pay.

Like any other Hogwarts student, the twins were nervous about getting sorted. Every Weasley was in Gryffindor, the house of the noble and the brave. But after the sorting ceremony (they got into Gryffindor!), the twins had nothing to worry about any more, and moved their main focus back to pranking. They had bought as much pranking gear as they could afford before going to Hogwarts in preparation of their celebration once they got sorted into Gryffindor, like they knew they would. And now, Hogwarts would have mayhem to go through.

First on the list was Peeves, the poltergeist. After the start of the year feast when the Prefects were guiding the first years to their dorm rooms, Peeves popped up behind the Gryffindor first years. Fred and George were in the very back, deciding who to prank first. The Slytherins were their first choices obviously, but they couldn't get into the common room.

And then Peeves snuck up behind the group and drenched them with water balloons, the twins taking the brunt of the attack, in the back, as they were. It was like the stars had aligned, and Peeves had signed a death warrant, they had their next target.

Slytherins were tricky, having to get into the common room and all, but a poltergeist? Now _that _they could work with.

---

"So explosives aren't going to work."

"_God! _What were we thinking!"

"Even between the two of you, you couldn't figure that out?" Peeves cackled as he appeared above the twins'

"I've got a riddle for you...What's red and black and wet all over?" He asked.

Fred and George looked at each other, "We don't know" They replied.

"You two" Peeves pulled out an enormous water-filled balloon and dropped it on the unsuspecting pair. The troublesome poltergeist left, chortling to himself, amused with his actions.

"Bastard."

"So, if hardcore explosives, that had no problem demolishing the potions lab, won't work. Then what will." wondered Gred and Forge.

Unfortunately, that was the moment Snape chose to walk around the corner, catching this last snippet of information. Resulting in a red faced Snape. With greasy hair. Ew.

"You shall be dragged by your ears down to the Forbidden Forest where you will be tied up and left to rot until morning." glowered Snape.

"You can't do that! That unjust! That's--" Fred began to protest.

"That is quite unreasonable, but I can understand where you are coming from Severus." Professor Minerva McGonagull slunk out from behind the remains of the corridor.

"But as they are in Gryffindor, I will be handling their punishment. Is that alright Severus?" She asked, peering at the other professor from under her spectacles.

"I suppose, but I expect nothing less than being hung by their toenails from the ceiling in the great hall" He turned around, black robe trailing behind him like Dracula's cape.

And this was how Snape managed to get himself on the very top of the Weasley twins list, or at least until they figured out how to prank Peeves. And all right before their first class with him. During which, in their substitute class room, the students in the front row started laughing hysterically when they noticed a grotesque canker worm spinning it's way down from Snapes oblong nose.

And then the cabinets behind him erupted and canker worms pelted him and the entire front row from all sides. Everyone behind them was much luckier, and the Weasley twins in the back were perfectly safe.

Until Alicia Spinet swore to hex them into oblivion upon figuring out who had gotten her buried in canker worms, that is.


	2. Chapter 2

Detention with Filch, was apparently not all that fun. Unless you were a Weasley that is. After all, how could they let the old geezer taunt them without pranking him back for it? Or at least making his night miserable, which, yes, it was.

Thanks to a certain pair of twins. A pair of twins that had detention that night for blowing up the potions lab, and parts of the adjoining dungeons, and then burying Snape, and the front row of their potions class in canker worms. Inspired by their trip to a small town near Ottery St Catchpole, that happened to get infested by those particular worms during the summer. Never take the Weasley twins _anywhere_. Ever. You'll be sorry.

Luckily for them though, a Slytherin boy happened have detention with them that night. If they couldn't get into the Slytherin common room and get all those slimy gits at once, they'd shoot 'em down one by one. The first one being Marcus Flint, a second year and newly recruited chaser for the Slytherin team.

Marcus Flint, or Mucus Flint, as the twins called him, was in for kicking Ms Norris. If any other student had done that, the twins would have congratulated them on a job well done. But Mucus was already beyond redemption (for being a Slytherin) in the twins eyes.

They were to meet Filch by the deceased potions classroom, for clean up. The first thing they did was try out a new item Gamble & Japes had introduced right before term started. It was based off a popular muggle prank, and it was called a joy buzzer. The effects it had on Mucus were very satisfying.

Then Filch arrived, hobbling down the corridor, lantern in hand and Ms Norris at his heals. "You're to clean up the potions classroom that _someone_," here he paused to shoot a nasty look at the twins, "decided it would be a good idea to blow up." and he walked off, leading the way to the classroom and grumbling about, "Nasty little first years." and how they should be, "expelled, that'd serve 'em right! On the first week too!" and how he thought, "the old punishments were so much more fun, heh heh. Hang 'em by the ears an' leave 'em there for a week or two, that'd sort 'em out, it would!"

All in all, Mr Filch was a very disturbing little man. And he stunk. And he was filthy! But anyways...

Detention proceeded, the Weasley twins were set sweeping away all the rubble, and ceiling chunks, while Flints job was to clean and reassemble all the furniture. And find the door, which had mysteriously disappeared in the explosion.

Half way through the detention, Gred and Forge had an idea.

"Say, Gred," said Forge (or Fred if you must).

"Gred," said Gred (or George if you really must).

"What if we used that little Slytherin over there to get to the rest of them?" started Fred.

And they spent the rest of the detention discussing whether something Fred had seen in a muggle Bugs Bunny cartoon would work in this case. Of course, they occasionally stopped to laugh when Mucus or Filch picked up a desk only to find a dungbomb underneath, which promptly exploded in their face.

By the end of the detention they had worked out how to get the Slytherins, leaving only Peeves and Filch on their current hit list.

"I think we may have to resort to drastic measures if we don't get some more people to prank before we run out," said Fred.

"Well, we're so brilliant, how can we help running out of people to prank?" reasoned George.

"Good point," agreed Fred.

"All right ya lil midgets," grumbled Filch, "detentions over, I'm not stayin' here with yeh all night while yeh try and clean this, ah need mah beauty sleep." The twins stiffled a laugh at the thought of a not hideous Filch. "Same time an' place tomorrow."

But they were running out of time, and still needed to put their plan to end all Slytherins - figuratively speaking of course... well, maybe - into action. George walked up to Mucus Flint and patted him on the back, "Hey, nice one kicking the old bags cat, there."

Too which he responded, "Shove off you little Gryffindor puke!" which, to be fair, was probabley the most polite thing a Slytherin said to a Gryffindor all that year. Maybe the next too. But little did he know, that George had snuck a pranking product in his pocket.

Something the Weasley twins had found out years ago was that if you trailed a Gamble & Japes magical stink powder up to a stink pellet, then did the spell to set the powder off, when the spell got to the end of the trail, the stink pellet would explode, in all it's putrid glory.

It worked wonderfully, Mucus never realised there was anything in his pocket. The twins snuck back to where the trail started and said the spell, then, perfectly at ease, watched it go up the trail toward the unsuspecting Slytherins. The Slytherins horrified yells at the awful smell that had suddenly erupted around them was like music to their ears. And the resulting stampede away from their common room was pretty comical.

First week at Hogwarts, and two explosions already.

Weasley twins: 2, everyone else: 0


	3. Chapter 3

Writers block is going away a bit. :) But I'm not all that great at thinking of ideas for this story... So if anyone has an idea of what the Weasley twins could do for a prank in their first year, if you could tell me that'd be great. :)

Disclaimer on my homepage.

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"I am your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. You will call me ma'am, Professor, or Professor O, at all times. I spent the last ten years in the muggle navy, I don't give out my real name. In this class you will not do magic unless I give you permission, you will not leave unless I give you permission, and you will not speak unless I give you permission. Do you understand me?"

The class muttered yes. "I _said_ do you understand me?"

As one, the class sighed and said, "Yes we understand you."

* * *

"The Defence against the Dark Arts teacher last year was Professor Quirrell. He took a two year absence to travel. Learn more. I'm sure the new teacher is more then up to the job."

"I'm telling you Perce, she's evil! Angie Wiebe sneezed when she was in the middle of the lecture and she gave her detention for two weeks. She got back at three in the morning crying, O made her run laps around the school for six hours!"

"Angie must have been exaggerating. I'm sure she's a perfectly fine teacher, I have her next class. I have Defence Against the Dark Arts next, so I really must be going..."

The twins exchanged looks while their older brother left the table to get to class. Twenty minutes early. His seat was taken by a first year Gryffindor with dreadlocks who they had seen in their dorm and the common room. His name was Lee Jordan.

"So what're you going to do about O?" the twins exchanged another look, "I was sitting right over there," he pointed to a place two seats away, "...And you were talking loudly..."

* * *

The twins next class with 'the O' as she had been dubbed by most Gryffindors, passed with only one more detention being given out. The other students seemed to think that was an all time low for her. The detentions with Filch were over, seeing as the dungeon had been fully rebuilt, and they couldn't trace the stink pellet back to the Weasleys. The lack of detentions and homework resulted in something that almost never turned out well for other people, the Weasley twins had free time.

"But where is her office?"

"No one seems to know... All of the detentions she's given out were outside. How are we supposed to blow up her office if she won't tell us where it is!?"

"Okay, so we set off a dungbomb in every hall until we find the one her office is in."

"What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

"_That's_ what could possibly go wrong, George," said Fred brightly after Ms Norris had happened to be walking by the first hall they sat off a dungbomb in.

She meowed and Filch came running, "Good job my sweet, found the little pukes," Filch walked up to the twins, "Why did all the explosions start when you lot came?"

"I'm not sure,"

"You should have someone look into that," said George.

"I think we've been framed," said Fred.

Filch led them to his office, muttering all the way about how much better Hogwarts would be without all the complications... Like students. They made it to his office and Filch went to the filing cabinet behind his desk while the twins sat down. "Names: Fred and George Weasley. Offence: Use and possession of a banned object & befouling the castle. Suggested punishment--"

But the twins never got to hear the punishment Filch was suggesting for them, (it had something to do with hanging from their toes on the astronomy tower) because at that moment, they spotted something that would change their lives forever.

Or at least for the next few days... And what was this god-like discovery you ask? It was a drawer in Filches file cabinet. A drawer labelled 'Dangerous Objects'.

Eventually Filch led them back to the Gryffindor common room as it was after curfew and it's not like there were many other people particularly inclined to sneak out of bed and set off a dungbomb, now where there?

The twins headed to their dorm, pausing to drag Lee Jordan away from his Potions essay due the next day. He was their newly appointed 'partner in crime'.

"Did it ever occur to you to just leave it alone?" asked some random roommate of theirs, he's not really important though so we won't talk about him after this.

"Just leave it?" asked Lee incredulously.

"Blasphemy!" yelled both twins at once.


End file.
